Monday, 10 June 2013
And so my journey to consciously discover the real me began 20 years ago .....
I was bought up a catholic in a loving and stable family environment. Being the eldest daughter of an army officer we moved home a lot, I mean every 18 months and by the time I was 8 years old I had already been to several schools so my parents made the decision to send me to a catholic all girls boarding school just outside of London. I felt lucky as my early life was full of privilege, ceremony, etiquette and was 'fun and exciting' but it was also very conforming.
I was a good child, always doing what was needed but somewhere there was a small voice within telling me that I was more - 'but how could I be more, how can I have more when I have everything' I would tell myself as I continued to ignore this constant voice that played over and over again in my head .... but I was a slightly overweight teenager so maybe if I were thinner, perhaps that is what all that meant?? I remember when I was 14 I had this crush on a boy and so when one day he called me fatty .... well you can imagine that was it ... I was going to loose the weight just so I could get him. 9 months later when I saw him again at a party I did get his attention and actually the attention of quite a few others too!! Wow, this felt amazing I thought - it was all about the way I looked surely, but still that voice played over and over in my head. I loved my food and so I began to obsess about my weight constantly worried I would put the weight back on and so I played around with different ways to control that just so that I could stay the same whilst still enjoying my love of delicious food which at that age was pretty much made up with a lot of chocolate, sweets, fizzy drinks, white bread and quick noodle meals that I consumed in between all that disgusting boarding school food. And so began a cycle of binge eating followed by purging just to stay on top of it all and I felt in control.
6 years later and my life is consumed by a dark hideous controlling negative and very destructive cycle which has taken over every thought in my head. I felt isolated and alone as I had never spoken to anyone about where I was - to everyone outside I was happy, positive, fit, healthy and loving life but inside I was dead. Everyday I would wake up and my 1st thought of the day was 'Ok today is the day - I am not doing this anymore - that is it'. And so I would gather together whatever strength and determination I could muster but by lunchtime it was all over; I had done it again and by the evening I hated myself even more ... and the cycle just continued.
I remember feeling as though I was at the bottom of a dark cold empty well. I had been in this place for a while now but up until this point I felt sure that one day something or someone would come and rescue me and so there was always this little light but now even that was fading as I began to give up and so I gave one last deep call to the universe for help .....
A few months later I was travelling home from work. I was 21 now and I remember so clearly I was sitting on the top deck of a double decker bus. In a sleepy haze I allowed myself for the first time in ages to think back to that voice I used to hear so often but that could no longer be heard and I asked myself this - 'Ok, what if there is a part of me that is somewhere that I have no access too right now and that isn't the me that I am now?' I pondered this on my journey home and as I continue to day dream the most life changing and extraordinary thing happened to me.
All of a sudden there was a brilliant bright light that filled my entire vision and within it a clarity of mine that I can not really describe. I felt an instantaneous love and bliss that came from nowhere but that enveloped me and everything else around me that didn't come from outside of me but from within and I received in that moment the answers to everything I had been asking. It is difficult to describe as there are no words that will do it justice but I know in that moment I was shown with certainty that I was so very much more.
I began a determined mission from that moment onwards to discover and uncover that part of me that I had been shown was the REAL ME and as I felt an overwhelming need to nurture myself I now I had what it took to stop my destructive behaviour. I had so many question and a hunger for information and so for the next 10 years I read every self help book out there and I did every self help course I could. But nothing could show me or bring me back to that place I had experience on that double decker bus.
10 years later I am married with 3 small children, living in a beautiful big house in the country and to the outside world I have everything. But still that voice was playing in my head 'you are so much more' only now it was so much louder. I was reading and learning whatever I could that was self help and spiritual, I was meditating regularly and I had developed a small cleansing process that I used everyday for 2 years to clean any negative emotion and limiting belief about myself that came up for me. I became a reiki practitioner and also a Meridian Energetics Practitioner and I did a number of other courses in a bid to connect to that part of me that I knew was there that was so much more but yet was still inaccessible. I reached a point where I really didn't know what else to do and still that voice in my head was loader than ever - OK, I shouted out to the universe, please show me what I need to do so I can fully connect again with ME.
Soon after that I took a walk on my own in the beautiful countryside. It is a warm sunny spring day with a clear blue sky and as I ambled along I was appreciating the beauty that I could see around me when I was suddenly once again blinded by that same brilliant white light and sense of pure love, bliss, peace, and everywhere I looked I could see colours that I had never seen before. Again my mind was crystal clear and images and answers flowed effortlessly into my being filling me with all that I need to know. I felt totally connected to everything and everyone as if all that was perceivable outside of me was in fact just an extension of me. I saw that anything and everything was possible and that there were really no boundary or limits to what we could have or be. I saw everything as an energy and I knew that there was infinite intelligence available for all. And so so much more ....
This time I stayed in this state of pure connection for about 2 weeks but gradually living life as a busy wife and mum took over until I was back in that place of disconnection again which this time felt bad, a far cry from where I had been so connected with the real me. And so my mission changed as now I was determined to re connect. I knew where I needed to be but I didn't have the tools to get there and this time I knew my answers were within.
I started to see beautiful angelic energy forms around me that I attributed to the Archangels as in the past I had read much about them and over the coming months I would tap into these energies until I became so familiar with their essence whilst learning much about their properties. And then one day in my home I saw a spirit boy as clear as day and as I focused on him I began to get a sense of his pain, his passing and why he was still here. I had attracted to me a friend who was also open to this and so with her guidance I bought in the now familiar angelic energies to surround the little boy until I had a sense of his parting. This was the start of many spirit interactions and angel healings I did over the course of the next few years that taught me even more about energy that I was then able to apply to those people that came to me for healing.
I began to understand how the way we think has an effect on our body and as I experienced more and more times of being deeply connected to the core of who I really am with no limits and boundaries I started to understand the correlation between our thoughts and our perceived reality as more and information came to me.
Sadly my marriage didn't survive but we parted very amicably and today I am lucky and blessed enough to attract and surround myself with amazing conscious people most of whom can tell a similar story about their journey. They show up to inspire me and to make me question more and more so that I continue to expand my consciousness which is truly limitless and there for everyone. I do still experience pain, sadness, negative emotion, fear etc but I have tools now that I use to let these go quickly so that mostly I am able to enjoy life with a sense of fun, freedom and peace. And when I hear people say now they are bored, frustrated, unfulfilled I just want to tell them 'If only you knew that you are so much more!'
And so my mission today is to tell people what I know and have experienced, guiding them, supporting them wherever I can, giving them tools so they too can connect with the greatness of their true selves allowing them to experience their expansion, joy and peace.
Thank you for reading my story. I hope that in sharing it I will bring a little hope to those in a dark place, inspire anyone who are seeking more and encourage people who are wanting to make a positive change. Anything and everything is possible.